But what now?

The girl I was crazy about back in 198x (who I’m now ‘friends’ with) isn’t who I see in in the cloud.

I see a resemblance – an image who superficially resembles that lithe young thing resident in the past. But that’s not the person whom I’m talking to. What’s missing (from my point of view) is the understanding of where this person has been in the intervening period. What’s she/he been doing? What’s happened? Where?

This feeling of mine all stems back to one basic cause: back then, when the relationship was current, I wanted them. All of them, at one time or another. I wanted to kiss them. I wanted to run my hands through their golden hair. I wanted to be with them.

Now, I’m married and so are they – this kind of past life v0yeurism isn’t done. It’s not what’s current. Friendship is the key. The goal. But to what end?

But it’s hard to get past those feelings that have remained dormant for 20 years.

I must admit I’m probably holding a torch for one girl in particular from back in those days. If I ever encountered her in in the intertubes, I don’t know what space I’d be occupying.

Facebook is, I’ve decided, the equivalent of a supermagnifying lens allowing to you see into the past with a clarity that can be quite unsettling.

Your view of the past is made up of both good and bad memories, but they’re just that – memories. When you haven’t associated with a particular person for a long time, you’ve been left with your memory of what that person was like at that point in time.

It directly places the reality of yesterday (as defined by your memories) into conflict with the reality of today (how people have changed). And I’ve encountered a disconcerting difference between the two.

My first two Facebook friends were girls that I had ‘been out with’ in junior high. People that I’d not seen in 25 years. My assigned view of them is as cute teenagers. The reality is that their wives and mothers.

Strange.

After umming and aahhing for some time, I got a Facebook account.

I was quite skeptical about whether I needed to do it, but I did. So there. I decided that I wasn’t going to be a digital shut in any more!

I’ve got 8 ‘friends’ so far… 3 who I went to school with 20 years ago and 5 who are friends of theirs and want to be friends of mine. WOW I’m cool. Imagine someone who I’ve never met wanting to be my friend? At least if ever I need to borrow money, I know who I could turn to: My good friends.

Although I seem to be knocking it, please believe me when I say I’m not. I like Facebook. I don’t have too many real life friends, so my Facebook posse are a good substitute. And let’s face it, who’s got the energy to keep more than one or two real life friends. Not me.

And I would probably be one of the parents (the cool ones) featured here if my boy was old enough to know what Facebook is.

More on Facebook later.

I’ve been married for almost 10 years, and can say that I’ve been (and are) guilty of collaborating with all of the 4 Horsemen of Divorce (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling) at some point or another.

The 5 magic hours sounds like a good plan. One that I’ll try.

The only thing now is to locate this exact post on The Art of Womanliness and bring it to the wife’s attention. Because I get the same back in spades, it’s something, like all counselling, that both parties have to commit to. Full commitment on the part of half of the problem just won’t work.

They’re included to exclude the casual reader from full comprehension of the author’s superior thought processes.

Pose words include:

• eclectic (Made up of or combining elements from a variety of sources)
• esoteric (Intended for or understood by only a particular group)
• seminal (highly original and influencing the development of future events)
• esthetic (concerning or characterized by an appreciation of beauty or good taste)
• bourgeois (a member of the middle class)

This short list is, of course, not complete. I’ve purposely excluded buzz words and phrases, which are similar, but serve a different purpose (to say nothing with something). Examples of these include maximize synergy, leverage the space and utilise an holistic approach.

It’s not that I’ve got any regrets, it’s just an interesting exercise to ponder “What would life have been like if I’d have made decision X instead of decision Y.”

For me, by far the most critical decision point occurred when, at the end of a difficult break up when I was 24, I applied for a job upstate. At the time, I had to get away from the phone calls and the midnight visits and the drama; moving away seemed like the easiest option (I also wanted a change in scenery, but that was an additional reason).

If I hadn’t have done that – if I’d have been man enough to face up to this unpleasant situation without running away – my life would be totally different. I wouldn’t have attended the party, met the girl, married the girl, had the son. Or rather, attended that party, met that girl etc… Who knows what my current situation would be if not for that decision to move.

See what I mean?

That’s probably the decision point withthe most far reaching implications. There are no doubt scores of others of varying consequence:

• What if I’d have kissed that girl in middle school? (instead of being the shy guy)
• What if my proposal didn’t land on the desk of that particular supervisor? (and get me noticed by her boss)
• What if I’d have taken up the offer of engineering at university like most of my friends? (instead of going straight into employment)

This kind of scenario is obviously a staple of time travel sci fi (I’m a big fan). Think of Ray Bradbury’s “A Sound of Thunder.” Without spoiling it, it shows the long term ramifications of one seemingly insignificant action. I also think of the movies Sliding Doors (what if she’d have made that elevator?) and Back to the Future (what if I don’t cause my parents to meet?).

You’ve got to be careful with this kind of speculation, as excessive dwelling can have a negative effect (WHY WHY WHY…)

I hope I’ve got it in hand.

“Old bureaucrat, my comrade, it is not you who are to blame. No one ever helped you to escape.

You, like a termite, built your peace by blocking up with cement every chink and cranny through which the light might pierce.

You rolled yourself up into a ball in your genteel security, in routine, in the stifling conventions of provincial life, raising a modest rampart against the winds and the tides and the stars.

You have chosen not to be perturbed by great problems, having trouble enough to forget your own fate as a man.

You are not the dweller upon an errant planet and do not ask yourself questions to which there are no answers.

Nobody grasped you by the shoulder while there was still time.

Now the clay of which you were shaped has dried and hardened, and naught in you will ever awaken the sleeping musician, the poet, the astronomer that possibly inhabited you in the beginning.”

- Antoine St. Exupéry, from Wind, Sand, and Stars

A poignant piece from an excellent writer. Saint-Exupéry was a French writer and aviator perhaps most famous for his novella The Little Prince. More information on him can be found on Wikipedia.

It’s especially relevant to any man who has young children (boys esp…) and worries about whether the job they’re doing raising them will bring out the potential we want them to have.

To begin with, this won’t be the best or most enthralling blog of all time.

I’ve started it more as an outlet that for any respectable purpose.

I can’t really see it outdoing lifehacker or anything…